but it’s really comfortable in here…

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.”
-Mary Shelly, Frankenstein

I’ve re-written the beginning of this post several times. I’ve also spent a lot of time staring at the blank screen. There was a bit when I took a break from my doing nothing to look up non-surgical ways to get elf ears and to watch a webseries on YouTube. (Which I only found because it was on the side bar after I watched an elf-ear video tutorial.)

Overall, I’m pretty sure I’m not doing a very good job of following my new pledge. But, in my defense, we are watching a couple boys today and it’s been a little hard to concentrate.

I’m now looking at the screen again, and I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to try the elf-ear thing pretty soon. Tomorrow, if not today. Maybe it’ll be motivation to get up and go into work. Probably not. But it’s worth a try.

After all, that’s what this blog is all about. Motivation and change.

The quote at the top, the only thing to have survived through all the versions of this post, is astonishingly accurate. At least for me.

I do want to change. I really want to.

Unfortunately, simply adding intensifiers (written or otherwise) to my wants don’t make them any easier to attain.

I’ve always had a feeling that if I wanted it bad enough, I could just will it done. Which, since that hasn’t happened yet, always has the effect of making me feel like the world’s biggest loser. And I’m not saying I’m not.

But I need to change.

I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression, and my coping strategies have led to some pretty bad habits along the way.

Like not getting out of bed until I absolutely have to. Which is- well- really lovely. But it means that all I can hope of accomplishing in any given dare are the bare necessities. I’m struggling to maintain.

And I want more than that. I want to progress.

I’ve always been a dreamer. I’m surrounded and consumed with all sorts of ideas and desires. And the thing is- most of them are actually quite attainable. If only I’d move.

But I’m stuck and I’m stagnant. I sleep to much. And when I’m not sleeping, I’m in a fog. I want to live. Awake. And aware. And conscious of the things and the times that are passing me by. Because right now, I don’t know where thirty years have gone.

And if only I could get out of bed, I might wake up.
And if I only I woke up, I might do something.
I might exercise. I might become the healthy, lighter me that I still am in my head and not be so surprised and disappointed every time I look in a mirror.
I might finally finish my book.
I might plant the garden I wish for every summer.
I might write music.
I might get all my emails done and get ahead on my work and take a real break, one that I can enjoy without feeling guilty.

And the more I sit and think and type, the more excited I get. The world is before me and I just want to get my hands dirty, to get out in the sun and to live.

But I need to get out of bed.

And I’m in it.

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